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Confidence Comes First. OR does it?

There is a deeply held belief that in order to be confident in space and time, first you have to feel confident.


I've spent quite a lot of time talking about and thinking about this phenomenon - as you might imagine that as a professional working with teens and young people might do. This is one of the most frequent requests from parents: Increase their Confidence. This also goes hand in hand with the request for an increase in their self confidence and motivation to complete tasks.


Taken at face value it makes sense. We look out in to the world and we see the Confident, motivated, successful people strutting about on the meta verse (and even sometimes IRL!).


"They must have high self esteem!"


"I wish I was that confident!"


"Look at them, they are kicking ass and taking names without ANY struggle!"






Spoiler alert!:

It's not true!




Everyone struggles with confidence and self esteem. Everyone has to dig down for their motivation at times (some of us more than others! It's me...I'm the other!)


So what is the "secret" that it seems like everyone but you has? Trial, error, try again. The "problem" is that most of us focus on the "error" part - like it needs to be fixed and evaluated to death in order to not er again.


What we can do is shift our focus to the try.


Try. It's such a small little thing that gets in our way almost everyday!


We talk about trying all the time, but how often do we actually follow through? Like REALLY follow through? Often times we have to threaten or reward ourselves to get "motivated" to move into try. I know for myself, it's because I get stuck in the error - 404 motivation not found - you are lost.


Lost in what though? Stories. Stories about how I'm going to fail, or how I'm not good enough, or how other's might judge me and find me wanting. I'm not strong enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not educated enough. I AM NOT ENOUGH.


No motivation or confidence lives in not enough. None. Zero. Without exception.


So what do I do? I pick up my feet and move into try. I do SOMETHING - it actually doesn't matter what I do. Don't want to go to work? Just get out of bed. Worried about following up with a client after a tense session? Write it out, jump up and down, yell, Marco Polo my coach. Yes - these are ACTUAL things I do!


Doing can also look like research, reading, watching videos on how to do thing you want to do, or gasp - asking someone to help you.


If you are reading this and thinking - "what does she know about struggling with confidence and self esteem? She's got it all figured out..."


I really don't - at all. I have to ask for help ALL THE TIME - it's why I have my own coach, amazing friends who listen and reflect back to me, and a husband who truly understands me (often better than I do myself). I feel like a failure almost every day. I struggle with feeling like I am enough. I look in the mirror and find myself wanting.


AND I still move into doing, trying, stretching, growing, and challenging these stories I tell myself about how I am not enough.


I am enough. Just the way I am - right now.


You are enough. Just the way you are RIGHT NOW. Nothing needs to be fixed, or changed, or redirected.


You are NOT the story. You are bigger than that. So much bigger.


If you need help to see that. I'm here.

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