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Derailed

Derail:

Definitions from Oxford Language

verb past tense: derailed; past participle: derailed

  1. cause (a train or trolley car) to leave its tracks accidentally. "a train was derailed after it collided with a herd of cattle"

  2. (of a train or trolley car) accidentally leave the tracks. "the trolley cars had a tendency to derail on sharp corners"

  3. obstruct (a process) by diverting it from its intended course. "the plot is seen by some as an attempt to derail the negotiations"

 

I have been derailed. Pulled off my intended (intentional) course.

Did I let this happen? The derailment? Is there a way to metaphorically and literally get back on track without stopping?


Is that even what is best? For me? For others? For the world at large to just pick myself back up, pull myself up my bootstraps and just keep chugging along?


What if, for one moment I let my self feel the pain of the derailment? What might I learn? What might my brain, consciousness, unconsciousness, and connection to the Divine show me? Will I learn more about myself? Others? The world? The pain of others? How everyone being told to just keep moving forward has gotten us all into this place to begin with?


As a coach I ask a LOT of questions. Constantly. It is quite literally what I do best. It might interest you, dear reader, to know that I also do this with myself. A LOT. All day, all night, when I'm awake and when I should be sleeping - heck even in my sleep I ask myself questions. This is how I continue to grow.


This is also how I get DERAILED. Shoved off my intended pathway, even just momentarily. Everything comes to a screeching halt that almost always comes with some level of "destruction" - my daily plans, my sense of ease and control, and my chores being done...more than one plant has died in my house because of derailment.


Why is that you ask? Let me tell you.


My coach, Gita, and I have a cute little thing we came up with - I tend to "crash my programing" - think computer programs crashing: when there is a glitch in the program coding, the program freezes, shuts down, and sometimes it takes other things with it. When I start uncovering new ways to think about things or my belief about the world is challenged, my code gets disrupted.


I am thrown off the tracks and derailed.


This used to look like full meltdown, unable to complete any tasks, and withdrawal for DAYS at a time. Weeks even. Because not only was I having to update my programing while it was crashing, I also threw in a little shame and a side of guilt to go along with it.


"Why am I doing this?" "What's wrong with me?" "It shouldn't be this hard!"


I had a belief that I needed to be like everyone else around me - get it together faster, smoother, not be so emotional, be happier, eliminate all my negative emotions - that's what everyone else is doing right?!


Wrong. And even if it wasn't it would never work for me. I am not everyone. I am me. I am Autistic. I am a Divergent. I feel the air different then most people, imagine for a minute what it feels like to feel BIG ASS feelings?


Today I am derailed. I'm taking each moment for what it is. Wanna cry? Bawl it out babe. Wanna serve? SERVE! Feel like hibernating? Grab a blanket!


Why am I sharing this with the world? It's important to know that you are not alone.


You are not broken because you feel.


You are not wrong because you do things differently.


I am hereby granting you permission to release your shame and guilt when you get derailed. Don't let others tell YOU how YOU should be. Don't give your power away.

"Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very positive thing, the thing that moves us beyond the acceptance of evil." - Joan D. Chittister

There are no bad emotions. They just are. A derailment doesn't have to be the end (even if it feels like it).


Ask your pain, anger, frustration, sadness, rage, what ever you might be feeling, "What can I learn from this? How can I move forward stronger than before? What steps do I need to take right now?"


Then listen for an answer. Sometimes the answer is slow down. Take a moment. Breathe.


Tomorrow I'll get my train moving us all beyond of the evil. Today I'll just stare at the tracks.


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