Almost two years ago I heard a term I had never heard before: the health of the healer.
I always considered myself a healer and for the most part I fought tooth and nail to work on my own shit. For a long time I wanted to be a psychologist - I wanted to research and help other's heal their wounds to live a full, meaningful life without being bogged down in the mire of trauma and life stress. And I never went to therapy. Not once (at least that I can remember...my mom did take me to play therapy when I was very young and I have zero recollection of it).
I truly believed that I was able to process my life and move forward all on my own and that the stuff that got in the way (my at times debilitating anxiety and long term relationship with depression) was just my experience of life and I was okay with that - as long as I was helping others to heal themselves.
Health of the healer caused a visceral reaction in me - I wanted to run from it, turn away, avert my eyes - never acknowledge that I was even made aware of such a thing. And I trusted the people that showed up with the message. I believed the other things they shared, and by definition I had to believe this too, right? I suppose that we always have a choice to believe or not believe, and my brain is one of those machines that has to process information to decide if it is true or not, which means I had to test it. To test it I had to look at it. Touch it, feel it, taste it, and manipulate it around to see if there were holes (falsehoods) in the theory.
So in I went - I dove in with both feet and I haven't looked back. I have learned how to face all the discomfort and pain of standing in front of that which scares me the most: my self.
I have learned so much about myself in the last two years:
I'm strong (mentally, emotionally, and physically...although that last one needs some extra attention)
I'm full of compassion and courage
I am intelligent
I am flawed and flawless
I am unique
I am autistic
I am the Ocean
I've also learned that there is always more healing, learning, and growing that I can do.
I've decided to write a book - for now the title is "Parenting while Autistic" (this might change, who knows, I try to not get too attached to things while in progress with them). This project is in the infant stage and it is already changing me. I am looking at my life, my past, my present, and my future (along with the potential future of many others). Looking at my experiences from this lens literally has me shaking, shedding tears, pulling away and pushing forward all at the same time.
This is me healing. I am growing. I am writing out my pain and my joy. I'm actively changing my relationship with my past.
I am breathing life into a new space - a space that I've never been before, which honestly scares the CRAP out of me and I've been reassured by people I trust that this is what I do best. I find the things that scare me and I face them: I stand in the arena with my 2,000 lb beast and make friends with it: Sit with it, shed a tear with it, and create something new.
Healing doesn't have to be hard or scary or even take your whole life.
Healing creates a new relationship with yourself, your experiences, and the future you create. The emotions that come up signify that there is movement. The tears are washing the old away and leaving space for the new. The anger frees up space for joy and peace. The pulling away stretches your resolve.
I am healing. I am creating something new. Come along for the journey - it might surprise you what you can create right along side me.
I leave you with this challenge: write something down. Anything. Sit with your thoughts and see where they take you. Use a notepad and pen, pencil, or even a crayon. Plug that lap top in and click away. Don't hold back - anything that comes up write it down, invite the emotions in, sit with them, feel them, and fill them with love. When you are done take a few moments to reflect on your experience - was it hard? Easy? Was your mind empty or full? How do you feel?
If you feel so moved - please share your journey with me! Leave a comment or send me an email. I'm here to serve you, move you, support you, and discover the best version of you there is.